Preamble
Hello all. I deleted my post entitled "Schizopost," because honestly I just needed to vent my frustrations to the world. I used a cuss word, so I probably lost a follower or two, but I honestly wouldn't know. I just put these posts out there and never check the responses anymore. Like I wrote in my "about" page, writing is my therapy, plain and simple; I say my piece and get on with it. I have a guestbook and my email is listed on my blog, so I figure if anyone genuinely wanted to reach out to me in a meaningful way, it is not hard to do so.
It's funny; so many people came to NeoCities because they wanted to leave the "impure" ways of social media behind them, but they end up on a site with follower counts, commenting and like features, etc.; apparently, social media is fine when everyone is a hipster.
Anyways, in this blog, I am going to talk about what a special snowflake I am. I'll probably end up deleting it, but I figured maybe something in here could be relatable.
Aromanticism
First off, I want to say that I feel like I am incredibly different than almost everybody. Not special, just different. This feeling, that there is something about you deeply different from others, is what psychologists call anderssein; it is profoundly alienating, and usually we try to make sense of it by telling ourselves it's because we are introverts, or Autistic, or what have you, but none of these explanations ever suffice for this deep feeling of difference.
I wrote all of that to say, that I identify somewhat with the term "aromantic." Aromantics are very poorly understood by society writ-large, and especially religious communities, who tend to take a one-size-fits-all approach to romance and sexual relationships. But, even then, I do not really feel fully seen by this term.
Am I aromantic? I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. After all, how would I know? There are no objective criteria for diagnosing this. I am mostly just confused.
"Well, it's simple," you might say. "Do you or have you ever desired a romantic relationship?" My first question after hearing is that is, "how would I know if I want a romantic relationship?" My second question would be, "what's the difference between liking the idea of romance and desiring romance?"
A part of me feels like I'm "missing something," but a larger portion feels that's only what society's told me. I have a low-frequency pseudo-desire for something I don't even really want. Nowadays, the idea of being in a relationship makes me feel very uncomfortable. For a while, I thought maybe I wanted a romantic relationship, but the idea always confused me. What would I look for? Usually, when I hit it off real well with someone, I just think "that's a good friend of mine," and that's that. I have had so many great and wonderful friends over the years; shouldn't it be the case, that if I was meant to be with someone, it should be with one of them? And yet, I wouldn't want to be with any of them, as it would just feel awkward -- like a drastic change has taken place in my life; like my whole reality has been changed.
So, reasoning as above, I had a thought sometime during my teenage years: "people can sleep with people they don't love and love people they don't sleep with," so what actually makes a relationship romantic? It always seemed kind of arbitrary to me. What could possibly make someone more special than the people I already know, enough to warrant a special type of relationship that I don't have with anybody else? When I first heard the word "queerplatonic," that deeply resonated with me.
Polyamory seemed like an easy answer. But, given my religious background, I never felt comfortable with it. If I was going to be in a relationship, I would want a proper marriage, and to raise children. But then, I'm incredibly poor, disabled, and have habits that I neither want to give up nor want anyone else to suffer from. I genuinely don't think I'm even capable of being married, even if I truly wanted it.
Lastly, what would I look for? How would I actually know if I was attracted to someone? They say, "you'll 'just know' when you've met the right one," but how? People don't seem to understand my confusion; it just seems to come so naturally for everyone else. Then again, most people have "met the right one" twenty times, so what do they know?
There was a period in my life where I was open, and I looked for opportunities to meet "the right one;" this had the disastrous effect of thinking of every single woman I had the scantest bit of chemistry with as potential marriage material. That was my only criteria: a.) be single, b.) be female. Ideally, I'd like to have someone who I resonated with be my partner, but I'm capable of loving anyone, because I truly like humans; and, if I truly loved someone, especially a partner, shouldn't I look past the differences in temperament and interest?
I honestly think arranged marriage would be an ideal situation for me. I know it's not normal to be so confused about all this at twenty-five, but here I am. At least most queer people are given a script. Cishets can understand gays and bisexuals because they can map it on to their own attractions. For someone who is maybe-kind-of-aro(grey)ace, there is no way to candidly describe your experiences without being seen as a desperate Tumblrite.
Overthinking
People will always tell me, "you're overthinking it. It's not that serious."
I've always said that there is no such thing as too much thought, only misguided thought. There is no such thing as too much quality thinking; it all depends on where you shine your mirror.
Non-24
Another thing I wanted to talk about, that society doesn't seem to understand, is having a circadian rhythm that is longer than 24-hours.
I sleep for 12+ hours and am awake for around 20. It has always been this way since I was a kid; when I was told to "go to sleep," I would lay there in bed with my eyes closed all night, lost in thought; my mind never ceased. (I think all this time I was forced to spend inside my head is probably a key reason why I've become such an introspective person.) Then, it'd be morning time, and I'd be off to school, where I'd usually fall asleep. Later in life, it prevented me from holding down a job.
Even if I did fall asleep at 10 PM, I'd usually end up awake by 2 A.M., and then I'd be tired at 5 P.M. the next day. It feels like constant jet-leg.
Unfortunately, the world is built on a rigid schedule; it has to be that way in order to maintain convenience and consistency. Not to be dramatic, but living with this condition -- which nobody believes or understands ("just turn the TV off and don't drink coffee), is almost oppressive.
The worst part for me is that, when I attempt to live life on a normal schedule, it drastically exacerbates my mental health symptoms. I'll end up delusional and hallucinating, awake for 24+ hours trying not to miss my doctor's appointment, only to revenge sleep for 18 hours and have my schedule drift again.
Gratitude and a Story
Having vented, I would like to express gratitude now for the blessings I do have in life. I have a comfortable bedroom, my "study," and am gifted daily by hummingbird song.
Speaking of hummingbirds, my sister's cat recently attacked one, and she had to run it over with her car to "put it out of its misery." She cried. That was kind of sad.