Sometimes, I remember things that happened a long time ago, and get irked even though they're usually the tiniest things.
When I was thirteen, I saw a police officer with a German sphepherd outside of a school. I told him it was a cool dog, and it looked like the one from Skrillex's "Bangarang" music video.
He told me he didn't know what that was, and looked at me like I was kind of crazy. I explained to him what the video was about: some kids blowing up an ice cream truck to get the ice cream. He lectured me about how stupid that is, how I shouldn't be watching stuff like that, and told me he doesn't understand why anybody would enjoy a "violent video" like that, clearly not enjoying the absurd premise of the video or realizing why someone would find that entertaining. (It's hardly "violent.")
I said, "I'm not sure. Usually, people like to watch YouTube videos because they release dopamine in the brain, and that feels good."
His moral grandstanding continued. "You've got a lot of growing up to do, kid. If you're watching videos to feel all 'doped up,' you have a problem. It's sad that you're already like that at such a young age. It makes me sick," blah blah blah.
I don't know why, but I just remembered this man this morning. There have been a lot of greater, perhaps more significant offenses against me in my life, but for some reason this sanctimonious prick sticks out in my mind. It's ironic; his nature was much more sour and spiteful than the video, which he had never seen, that he detested so much.
Mistreated at a Hospital
While I am already venting, I may as well share this story, which happened while I was at the Lower Umpqua Hospital in Reedsport, Oregon.
They made me urinate with the door open, and a man told me it was "kind of trivial, isn't it?" While I was laying in a bed behind a curtain, he said something about an "old terrorist torture technique," and opened the curtain and yelled at me, asking why I still had my clothes on. The medical staff discussed another patient's illness in front of me, including a bleeding anus, and kept saying "I wonder why his anus is bleeding?" in a passive aggressive, accusatory tone.
A woman named Shana made me take an ice cold shower with baby shampoo. When I laid down to go to sleep, she kept adjusting my bed up and down with a remote control for hours while laughing and making sexualized moaning sounds.
The staff psychologically tortured me here, and tried to convince me I was homicidal, but I cannot recall many other details because I was already in a psychosis. I do know that the above happened with certainty. I am just putting this out there for my own peace, because I don't think their behavior was acceptable, especially towards people in a vulnerable state who they can gaslight.
Some other unusual hospital events
Another event that was kind of bizarre, but not traumatic like this one, was when I was staying in a hospital up in Portland, and one of the nurses came into my room nad woke me up at 3 A.M. to hand me an ice cream sandwich. I tried to search for the meaning of this for a very long time, and at the time I deduced it was some kind of litmus test: if I said no to the sandwich, I had passed, and was on track to forming better habits.
While in another hospital, I was taken to the radiation room to sleep for the night, because there were no available psychiatric units. A nurse was called to supervise me. I said nothing to her at all, and in my head a scene played that I had imagined was the moment of my own birth. I just sat there in silence, and cried, and looked her in the eyes, and she sniveled along with me for a few minutes as we both said nothing. Then, I asked her what her name and job title were, and we smiled and talked to each other for a little while until her shift ended.
Conclusion
So much insane, bizarre stuff happened to me during this period of my life, both inside and outside my head, that I have effectively blocked most of it out. It is traumatic to think back to the state I was in from 2019 up until the last couple years, and I have endured a mix of gaslighting and genuine delusions/hallucinations, to the point where I can't say for certain what was real anymore.
I was in and out of the hospital for years, but it's been almost two years since I've needed to go back, and I feel very proud of myself. Sometimes I am too hard on myself, and beat myself up for not having this or that accomplishment, but I remember that my struggle with mental health, leading to this moment, is enough of a success. My mom told me I "battled my own mind and won," and she also told me that I could help people by opening up more about my experiences with mental health. When I see people on the streets yelling at themselves and punching themselves in the face, I realize that could have been me if things went just a little differently. Every day is a miracle, and staying healthy is a full-time job for me.
God bless you, and I hope if you are going through tough times, that you can believe in a light at the end of the tunnel.