Updates
Hello all. I write to you from a place of severe comfort after spending the last few weeks homeless in Roseburg. While I technically had a roof over my head, my mom did not; she slept in a van after deciding that the local emergency housing was too draconian: 6 P.M. curfews, mandatory chapel, atrocious food, and all that jazz. I at least had the luxury of staying with a friend, and although his place was far below any standard of quality at the moment, it is something I refrained from complaining about.
Now, I have an ice maker, and coffee, and... my own room, which is something I have not had in over half a year! It's empty right now, and I'll be sleeping on the floor tonight, but I have big dreams for this room. I plan on turning this into a mini-monastery. Best of all is that we moved into the apartment right next store to my sister's, so I'll be able to see my nephew every day again. He recently turned three and we went to a water park to celebrate; well, it wasn't technically a "water park water park," but it had a kickass slide and a diving board. I went down the slide maybe twenty-five times, and I wanted intenesely to break the rules by diving down head-first, but I chickened out and decided to be a good noodle.
Anyways, I watched a mountain burn down; specifically, the famous Mt. Nebo, home to weather goats, some antennae, and a giant KKK cross. I decided to go down to J and J and get a high-gravity lager to drift through the world as it burned away before my eyes, all while carrying around a giant sack of clothes. Some guy called me a "bitch" or something out a car window. This was like the ninth time I'd been harassed in the past couple weeks; it's always inevitably some feckless hick hiding behind the walls of a vehicle. Anyways, I asked the AI for a nice playlist to set the mood, and it gave me some good suggestions: Deadman's Gun, Strangest Things by the War on Drugs, and Red Eyes and Tears by the Black Rebel Motorcycle Club. I added in Big Iron from Red Dead Redemption for good measure.
A Prayer
Four days ago, I kneeled down to pray, and I felt wrapped with what I can only describe as the infinite warmth and love of God. I visualized a chain of "pure love;" it looked like a bunch of daisies and roses, and it wrapped around me and extended infinitely in all directions. I opened my eyes, and I saw this visual fade, but I could steel feel the effects lingering. At the time, it was uncertain that I would get into this apartment; I just knew that God had a plan, and that every moment, suffering or satisfaction, was a part of that plan. While the RV thing never panned out, and we went through all our savings, I am sure that this plan is much more apt for me, simply because it is real.
Invisible Disabilities
While I was in a hotel up near Eugene, in the liminal wee hours between night and morning, I awoke to a documentary about a disabled young man named Sam Habib. Sam has cerebral palsy, and talks with a machine like Stephen Hawking. The documentary showed him interviewing several successful people with his condition, and showed how he was navigating the transition to adulthood; getting his own place, going to college, making friends, and even dating. One of the quotes that stuck out to me was one I've heard before; I paraphrase, "people are not disabled; disability comes from society."
I think often about what a world would look like with less disability; not with less people in wheelchairs or service dogs, but where these folks could live like "normal" people without obstacles. I also think of people like myself who have "invisible" disabilities, and what it would look like if society were more accommodating. In education, it's a bit easier because you get accomodations (and even then, things can be difficult if you are undiagnosed or in the prodromal phase; take me as an example -- I'm still paying off debt I accrued from failing due to these issues), but in the "real world," it is very hard to find an employer who is willing to hire somebody who is, say, prone to psychosis.
It took me my whole life to accept that I was disabled, because that word seemed like something that was disempowering; it felt stigmatized, and further, I felt guilty for using a term like that for "people like me" when there are literal paraplegics out there. It took me years to accept that I need support, and the process of loving myself is still ongoing. The fact of the matter is, I have real limitations and there are a lot of things I am not capable of; admitting this does not diminish what I am capable of, or subtract from my worth. It's like that whole "if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree.." thing.
I am still in the process of figuring things out for myself (does anyone ever have it figured out?), but Habib's story gave me a fresh wave of confidence. My path is nonlinear, non-traditional, and may be very slow and windy, but it is a path nonetheless. I am glad to be taking the scenic route; and hey, I have no regrets. Some people might tell me that I just need to go out there and get laid, get off my computer, and experience the "real world" so that I have no regrets. But the fact is, I don't regret having some restraing and discipline; I don't regret living a modest life, or being poor... I regret nothing and have been blessed with forgiveness. In this sense, I think I have things figured out a bit better than some. I am somewhat of a Mendicant who has taken a vow of poverty.
I was a staunch Andrew Yang supporter back around the 2020 election, and he's the only political candidate I've ever donated to. He had so many fresh ideas, but let's focus on the reason I bring him up: he wanted to redefine our economic system by creating capitalism that doesn't start at zero. Yang recognized that it's impossible to truly survive without contributing to society in some way; everyone, from homemakers, to caretakers, to indie musicians, etc., all works in some way, and we need to expand our idea of "work" way beyond the title of just a W4-form or a 9-5 job. Disabled people, on top of just surviving, provide incredible value to their communities, just like abled people; but, their work is less easily exploited and commodified, and therefore we are less likely to see any of our value manifest itself in the form of the almighty dollar. They say the "world runs on money," but for those of us who have been chronically impoverished, we know that's not entirely true; there's a whole world that's not even visible to late-stage Capitalism, and it's vibrant, and beautiful, and full of community.
Why do I bring this up? Because, I'm sick of justifying why I'm poor. Rich people never have to justify their endless greed and corruption, but I'm constantly made to justify why I receive a piss-poor piddly amount of money from the government every month that isn't even enough to live on. "Why can't you just work a job? You're smart;" or, "there's nothing wrong with you, it's all in your head." These phrases are aggressive and erase the lived reality of disabled people; when being outside of your comfort zone causes the sense of physical impending doom, or hallucinations, or delusions, especially in a world of neurotypical people who suck at communicating, then no, you really can't work the same way some people can. And, they're right, "there's nothing wrong with [me]," so then why do they guilt trip and shame us?
Prospects
The Active Inference Institute is ending their Summer break soon, so there will be a lot of room for participation. That should keep me busy. Even while I was "homless" and living without any security, I managed to do some theory-crafting. I won't bore anyone with the details, but basically we considered defects that live on the extendied bodies of a model themselves, rather than just on the ambient geometry. This leads to a remarkably rich anyonic structure, and we derive a master equation in the spirit of the spin statistics theorem. Probably the most exciting thing we did in this paper was describe "modal healing," which are ways of remediating what we call Domain-of-Discourse to Truth Mappings, or DoD2Ts. We created a simple typology of these failures and show in each case how they may be resolved.
I'm thinking about starting a GoFundMe or something to raise the money I need to go back to school, but I'm one of those people that hates having to rely on others and am insecure that nothing will come of it; not to mention the fact that there are many dire things going on in the world, and I am not sure why that should be a priority. But, it was suggested to me a few times, suggesting there is some interest in donating.
I plan on making more YouTube videos; both on my gaming channel, as well as potentially starting a new channel for my other interests. I've tried a variety of things on YouTube in the past; comedy, vlogs, education, but I ultimately was never proud of anything and so I tore it all down. I kind of regret that, since I could have a built-in viewerbase, but I also seem to have new-game syndrome; why would I want to beat a game when I could reset it and get the satisfaction of leveling up every other battle again?