I'm a member of Gen Z, and I’m genuinely concerned about something. Over the past few years, I’ve noticed more and more people (not just, but especially, people my age and younger) are ignoring basic forms of courtesy—like saying “hi,” making eye contact, or even acknowledging the presence of someone nearby. I don’t know if this started with the pandemic or if that just accelerated it, but the shift is real, and it’s unsettling.
There’s been a tendency in our generation to treat the etiquette of older generations—things like greetings, politeness, and small talk—as outdated “boomer formalities.” We rolled our eyes at it, wrote it off as fake or unnecessary, and tossed it out. But here’s the problem: we never replaced it with anything better. And now, we’re left with something colder, more fragmented, and, frankly, more isolating.
And when you point this out? You get excuses. Sophisticated-sounding, “emotionally intelligent,” sometimes academic-feeling excuses. But when you dig even an inch below the surface, these rationalizations collapse. Let’s look at them—one by one.
Disclaimer
While I have so far not relied on LLMs for content generation, in this article I have used ChatGPT liberally. I did not simply ask it to write me a blog post, but I had a dialogue with my model. The excuses were answers I got when I asked why people are more likely to refuse basic courtesty than in the past, but the "why it fails" sections are my own refutations. I believe this is an important topic, maybe one a lot of us have tried to put our finger on, but I couldn't quite articulate it fully myself, so for that reason I have collaborated with an AI model. I hope the methods are forgiven, and the message can speak for itself. I have always been commited to being as transparent as possible, so now and always I will disclose involvement from other humans or from machines
Excuse #1: “I’m Just Being Real.”
The idea: Politeness is fake. Saying hi feels performative. Better to be “authentic” than to say something you don’t mean.
Why it fails:
There’s nothing fake about acknowledging another human being. A greeting isn’t a performance; it’s a gesture of respect. If saying “hi” is considered inauthentic, then what—ignoring someone is the “real” you? That’s not authenticity, that’s avoidance. It's passivity, masquerading as moral clarity.
Worse, this excuse selectively applies. If you told someone “fuck you” for ignoring you, that would be “real” too—but you’d get slammed for being hostile. So clearly, it’s not about “realness.” It’s about comfort.
Excuse #2: “People Have Boundaries. I’m Protecting My Mental Health.”
The idea: Casual interaction is draining or stressful. People have the right to disengage.
Why it fails:
Boundaries are real—but they aren’t a license for antisocial behavior. Saying “hi” is not an emotional violation. It’s not trauma dumping. It’s not flirting. It’s not even intimate. It’s the lowest possible bar of community—and we need community for mental health, not isolation.
In fact, the coldness that passes as “self-care” often just deepens the loneliness people are trying to escape.
Excuse #3: “I Only Engage When It’s Meaningful.”
The idea: Small talk is shallow. If it’s not deep, it’s not worth doing.
Why it fails:
Meaning doesn’t fall from the sky. It starts with small talk. Every friendship, every important conversation, begins with low-stakes contact. Saying “hi” is the spark that might lead to something real—or might just be a brief moment of warmth. Either way, it’s part of being human. Not engaging in even the most basic ways unless there is pre-existing depth, is like refusing to plant seeds in your garden because you have no crops.
Excuse #4: “I’m Better Online.”
The idea: I show care and respect in digital spaces. That’s where I feel safest and most myself.
Why it fails:
That’s fine—until the person in front of you isn’t online. The real world hasn’t disappeared. People still share kitchens, sidewalks, living rooms, parties. If your social muscles only function through a screen, then they’ve atrophied.
Excuse #5: “I Care About Justice. That’s Where My Energy Goes.”
The idea: I focus on big causes—climate, inequality, inclusion—not surface-level social niceties.
Why it fails:
You can’t fight for humanity in the abstract and treat individual humans like they don’t matter. If you say you care about people, start with the one right in front of you. Activism with no warmth is just moral posturing.
“The most radical thing you can do in a dehumanizing world might be something as small as looking someone in the eye and saying: ‘Hey. I see you.’”
Let’s Be Honest. This Isn’t About Values. It’s About Fear.
At the core of all these excuses is a fear of vulnerability. Of awkwardness. Of effort. Of rejection. And maybe that fear is understandable. The world’s rough. People are distant. But that’s exactly why small gestures matter more than ever.
They aren’t cringe. They’re courageous.
What We Lose Without Courtesy
- We lose the shared sense that we belong in public spaces.
- We lose the groundwork for trust, connection, even friendship.
- We lose the practice of giving—and receiving—dignity.
A society where people don’t say hi is a society drifting into coldness. Don’t let excuses fool you. What’s being lost here isn’t efficiency or clarity—it’s humanity.
What You Can Do
- Keep saying hi.
- Keep being warm.
- Don’t let the cold infect you.
- Don’t fall into bitterness, even when you’re hurt (though it’s okay to feel it).
- And when someone says “hi” to you—return it, every time.
It costs nothing. It restores something priceless.